Reminicsing.....

     Its not near time. We have more than a month. It's not time to look through a few small pictures. Time to look at tiny dresses never worn. Time to reread a journal. Time to cry. It's not quite time to think about what could have been.  Not quite time to visit a small, cold, lonely place where a small, pink granite, heart-shaped stone stands as an altar to a journey with the Lord. It's not December 15. But today I found myself, quite unexpectedly, looking in this little box of treasures that remind me of a bitter sweet time in my life. Eight years ago now. A dark time in my lifes' journey that somehow was lit with the Light of the Lord. Somehow in those heart wrenching days, I grew with the Lord. I learned new things. As my tiny, precious, baby girl grew in my womb, I knew she was destined to be with the Lord. Doctors told us that she couldn't breathe a breath of life here. That her tiny body hadn't developed correctly. There was nothing they could do. He called it anencephaly. A new word to me, then. A word that stands for death. Silence. Hopelessness. But, somehow in those 9 weeks following that awful diagnosis, His Light shown right down in front of me. Lighting enough path for me to make a step. A step into the abyss of grief, anguish, anger, and depression. Or a step of faith toward Him. So, I chose to grab His hand. And then as days passed, I grabbed His neck for a comforting hug. Some days I was so weak I could just grab His ankle as He continued walking. There were so many days that I just couldn't walk anymore. Then He cradled me in His powerful, gentle, Abba Father, Daddy arms. Carried me through the days I just couldn't take it. Couldn't handle the thoughts. Couldn't have anymore faith. He waltzed over and picked me up before I fell down in despair. And that is Our God. That was how I could see light in those dark days.
    I had nine weeks after that dreadful day, to have my baby girl I had wanted and prayed for  for so long. I had three beautiful boys. But I wanted a baby girl. Alaina Joy, her name means joyous light, would only be with us as long as my body carried her. On Dec 15, she was suddenly born, 13 weeks early. A tiny, beautiful, soft, still baby girl. There was no crying. There were no cheers to welcome her. There were no balloons, door wreaths, or cigars. Only her family, and some nurses. Only hot sad tears. Only sniffles and disbelief.
    They handed me the tiniest blanketed baby I have ever seen. Only 1.7 lbs. I tried to memorize everything I could about her. Her soft cheeks. Her tinier than life hand, that couldn't even wrap around my finger tip! I measured her slender foot against my pinkie, so in the future it would help me remember just how tiny she really was. Then the boys came in. They held their tiny sister and said their good byes. It was a sweet precious time.
     How, do you say, could this be a sweet time? How could any good come out of such immense grief? Well, my friend, it would take too many posts to tell you everything God has done. But I do know, I grew in my walk more than ever. I learned our God is faithful. He will take care of you. He will be there in the hard times. He will.
      It wasn't easy. It still hurts. The hole in my heart is forever, until I walk into Heaven one day. OH, then I will step through the gate. And I will see her.  A beautiful woman, who never tasted the cares of this world. Never tasted sin. Who was welcomed into the Fathers open arms the day her tiny heart beat it's last in my womb.  And I know that it won't even compare to seeing Jesus' face!
     Today I thought about the past. and it still hurts us. There was no exciting baby shower, gifts, or balloons, to announce her birth here on earth. But I know all of Heavens angels rejoiced when she arrived safely into that City. And how can it get any better than that??
     Today, we have a gorgeous baby girl. She will be 3 soon. In Alaina Joy's box was a little baby doll. Gracelyn-Joy saw it today, while I was going through the box. She just had to have it. I explained to her that it was her siters' baby. Faith. She has held her gingerly all day. And has been so proud to have it. So I leave you with a picture. Of past and present. And the lesson learned that He never leaves us or forsakes us, even when it is so dark, you can't see anywhere. Just hold His hand.